Cane Sugar

          “You need to have prepared a one minute or five minute response to the question ‘How was your trip?’” Lydia Gard told the team from Windsor Road Christian Church the first week I was there; we were sitting on the beach in the dark, and I dug my fingers into the sand. And she asked again as the interns sat on plastic chairs on her patio, and I twisted a hair tie into knots in my fingers. “Because you don’t just want to respond with ‘It was so hot,’ or ‘Check out my mosquito bites.’ The reason people come on the trip is because someone told them about it. I’m not exactly telling you to plan out a sales pitch, but essentially I am. You know what I mean? Does that make sense?”

            I’ve been here for three weeks. Half way through. What is my answer to the question ‘How has your trip been so far?’ I have to say I don’t know. I can tell you that I came wanting to find God but being prepared not to. When being an intern was still only a thought in my mind, I sent a message to Lydia over facebook.
            This is exactly what I wrote: “I need some advice. I have been praying and thinking about the DR for this summer, but I don't know what to do. To be completely honest, my faith has been pretty rocky the past few years. I haven't quit believing, and I don't doubt that God is a good God, but I am lost anyway. I feel that no matter what I do, I cannot feel Him. I know that if you're sick, you can't get better without changing your lifestyle to a more healthy one. So that's what I have been doing for the last year. It's been my philosophy for this last year. I feel so out of touch with God, but I don't want to be. So I've been trying to always do what is right even if I don't have the feelings to accompany it. I've been in Sunday school all my life, so I know "Jesus loves you." I know it's true. But when I am honest with myself, I think that is the root of my loneliness. I feel that God doesn't actually love me or want me. I know it's completely wrong. I think he loves others, and I am overjoyed in getting to share His love for others with Him. I love everybody and I feel hurt when any of God's people are put down, but for some reason, I can't translate that love to myself. It logically doesn't make sense; I know that, but I can't translate the knowledge that He loves me to my heart. So my question is whether or not I should apply. I don't know if I would be the greatest intern if I am having these irrational doubts myself. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. I'm glad you made it back safely from the Dominican Republic!”

            Lydia wrote back quickly and encouraged me to still apply for the internship. But that wasn’t all. She also asked if I wanted to get coffee. So she drove the 45 minutes to have coffee with a sloppy individual at Coffee D’Vine on Vine street (a very clever name). And she made the drive again and again. I told her about boys and family and my job. She told me about her kids and Pinterest and how she and her husband met.

            “I guess I’m just scared that I will go, and I’ll be there for six weeks, and that I’ll get nothing out of it,” I take a sip of my Levi Chai. It is orange and vanilla and frothy. “Sure, maybe I’ll help some people or do something, but I know the point of a missions trip is to get something out of it. I know I can’t tie rebar better than a paid professional. If it were just about helping the people down there, I would sign over a check for $2,500 dollars and stay home. But I’m not doing that; I’m hoping something will change for me. That I will understand something about God that I’m obviously not getting.”
            Lydia listens carefully and lets me talk.
            “It’s just I keep putting myself in places where I hope God will meet with me, but He doesn’t. The reason I’m at Huntington at all is because I was hoping to finally be able to feel God or connect with Him or whatever the Christiany term for that would be. And don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I’m here and everything, but I’ve still got nothing. I am still just trying to do what’s right in the hopes that someday I will have some assurance that it was.” I sit back in my chair and run my fingernail on the styrofoam of my cup. I make little indents and lines as my eyes tear up.

            “Leah, I think that’s great that you continue to seek God even when you don’t feel him. I think that shows a level of maturity. But I want to encourage you not to give up seeking Him. Because we are given the assurance that if we knock, the door will be opened to us---”
            “But it hasn’t been opened,” I interrupt, “I am still waiting on the other side, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I just keep watching other people file in front of me and go through like it’s nothing, but I’m still on the outside, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” I brush a tear off my cheek in frustration. I do not want to cry.
            Lydia is silent thinking of how she can answer a question with no answer.
            I give a shuddery sigh as the conclusion of this almost cry, “But I guess I will just have to keep trying. I’m going to go to the Dominican Republic in hopes that He will meet with me, but if He doesn’t, I guess that’s ok, too. I mean, there’s a reason for everything right?”
            Lydia gives me a sad smile and tells me she loves me and that she prays for me.  

            But the conversation left me with hope. I wrote in my journal (not diary because that is for jr. high girls) that night. It is dated 9/13/11. “That’s just how I feel, that everyone around me can feel God, but not me. And I so desperately want it. So it’s that fear of not getting Him that’s holding me back. But what I discovered in the course of the conversation, that the reason I came to Huntington is the same reason I should go to the DR. Yes, it is difficult for me to meet with God, and that is the very reason I need to seek Him all the more desperately. So what if others can meet Him anywhere? That shouldn’t stop me from trying. And if I have the opportunity to place myself where God might show up, I should take it. That’s why I came to Huntington. There was a better chance to meet God here than at SIUE. The DR is an opportunity to meet God. I cannot let my fears keep me from missing the appointment.”

~~~

            Alissa and Kathy hold my hands as tears drip down my nose. They pray that I will be able to feel God’s presence. They show me Mark 9:24 which says, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” I excuse myself and hurry downstairs to the bathroom. I shut the door and weep on the floor in the dark. Is that possible? Can one believe but still have unbelief? I hope it’s true because that is where I stand every day. I stand outside the door still knocking.

            How has your trip been so far? The only thing I can tell you with confidence is that Coca-Cola tastes a hell of a lot better with cane sugar.